You wear that cross like a crown. You wear that cross like a dagger.

i don't always know what to think about my faith. People seem to have so many ideas the whole thing gets messed up.

i don't know if i'm supposed to feel this way. some say this wouldn't happen if i really believed, but i can't control what my heart feels. i can't control how much it can take. and i don't want to think they are right.

i believe it. i swear i do, i believe it with every fiber in me. but what if this means i've got it wrong somewhere? how do i know? i can't have complete faith if there is the possibility i have it wrong.

i'm supposed to be alive in Christ but i certainly don't feel alive. i can't feel Him the way i want to. i want Him to be close. i need Him to be. and He is... according to what i believe. but i don't feel it. and that makes me question everything.

"everything, everything- is leaving me wondering. I hate that I'm questioning- your everything, everything."

and if i question does that cancel out what i do belive? i'm not saying i don't believe in something i should, i just can't feel it. maybe that is faith. but what about the questions? i don't know how this works. i just know i need to feel something. I need to feel Him.