"To be a sinking ship or a lighthouse"

It is unclear-
all the things that keep us together,
and then tear us apart at the exact moment-
our hearts give out.
There could be lists of reasons,
things to say-
but I won't say them.
I. Never. Do. I can't.
You could hold my hand again,
it wouldn't be the same.
The voices, the memories of them-
scream and claw inside of me.
I did nothing wrong. (or did I?)

And they came out-
with as much force as they could,
and I shoved them somewhere else-
to fester and grow into this bitterness...

Leave me the **** alone!

The switch is stuck between off and on.
My heart is on overdrive and my mind is pretending it's fine.
I am pretending it's fine-
infront of them. They will not see it-
the same way I didn't.
It took over before I could stop it.

God, I couldn't stop it.
"numbers are stupid" she says. Yes, I agree.
There were too many-
and I couldn't hold on.
Tripping over my own feet,
every movement was hell...
To be a sinking ship or a lighthouse?
Help me see that this is not about me.
I am streching so painfully to see it (you).