"To be a sinking ship or a lighthouse"

It is unclear-
all the things that keep us together,
and then tear us apart at the exact moment-
our hearts give out.
There could be lists of reasons,
things to say-
but I won't say them.
I. Never. Do. I can't.
You could hold my hand again,
it wouldn't be the same.
The voices, the memories of them-
scream and claw inside of me.
I did nothing wrong. (or did I?)

And they came out-
with as much force as they could,
and I shoved them somewhere else-
to fester and grow into this bitterness...

Leave me the **** alone!

The switch is stuck between off and on.
My heart is on overdrive and my mind is pretending it's fine.
I am pretending it's fine-
infront of them. They will not see it-
the same way I didn't.
It took over before I could stop it.

God, I couldn't stop it.
"numbers are stupid" she says. Yes, I agree.
There were too many-
and I couldn't hold on.
Tripping over my own feet,
every movement was hell...
To be a sinking ship or a lighthouse?
Help me see that this is not about me.
I am streching so painfully to see it (you).

You wear that cross like a crown. You wear that cross like a dagger.

i don't always know what to think about my faith. People seem to have so many ideas the whole thing gets messed up.

i don't know if i'm supposed to feel this way. some say this wouldn't happen if i really believed, but i can't control what my heart feels. i can't control how much it can take. and i don't want to think they are right.

i believe it. i swear i do, i believe it with every fiber in me. but what if this means i've got it wrong somewhere? how do i know? i can't have complete faith if there is the possibility i have it wrong.

i'm supposed to be alive in Christ but i certainly don't feel alive. i can't feel Him the way i want to. i want Him to be close. i need Him to be. and He is... according to what i believe. but i don't feel it. and that makes me question everything.

"everything, everything- is leaving me wondering. I hate that I'm questioning- your everything, everything."

and if i question does that cancel out what i do belive? i'm not saying i don't believe in something i should, i just can't feel it. maybe that is faith. but what about the questions? i don't know how this works. i just know i need to feel something. I need to feel Him.