so unsure

tonight i had to laugh (even though i felt sad), at all the crazy. thoughts. spinning. in my head. and the heaviness in my heart.

i found it funny (with my mind on overdrive), that i could not make out a single thought that was tearing. through my head. like a hurricane.

where is this harbor you speak of? i feel as if i've been wandering (fighting) through these storms and still can't find it (you). but tonight i passed a few others that seemed to be on the same course. and when i asked them how they were so sure of there course... i froze at the response.

"the stars", they said.

and i knew there was some hope for this.

and then my mind started back. with the spinning. and confusion (and hurt) set in. again.
but i laughed. when i could have cried. because my eyes are dry and i'm not ready to be breaking again.
like my fist was not ready to be angry just yet. if only my fist flying into the wall could distract my heart for a moment. if only a hard enough punch could shake this off.

but who am i kidding?

i never learned to do this.

how unfair! i say. my heart and head have no switch to turn them on and off. at your every whim.

the heaviness that i feel makes it hard. and somewhere along the lines i somehow fell. and now it's done. it's over. no more tangled hands. just my tangled heart.

and the question.

is it worth it.


is it.

worth.

this?


yes. (but i'd rather say no.)