"To be a sinking ship or a lighthouse"

It is unclear-
all the things that keep us together,
and then tear us apart at the exact moment-
our hearts give out.
There could be lists of reasons,
things to say-
but I won't say them.
I. Never. Do. I can't.
You could hold my hand again,
it wouldn't be the same.
The voices, the memories of them-
scream and claw inside of me.
I did nothing wrong. (or did I?)

And they came out-
with as much force as they could,
and I shoved them somewhere else-
to fester and grow into this bitterness...

Leave me the **** alone!

The switch is stuck between off and on.
My heart is on overdrive and my mind is pretending it's fine.
I am pretending it's fine-
infront of them. They will not see it-
the same way I didn't.
It took over before I could stop it.

God, I couldn't stop it.
"numbers are stupid" she says. Yes, I agree.
There were too many-
and I couldn't hold on.
Tripping over my own feet,
every movement was hell...
To be a sinking ship or a lighthouse?
Help me see that this is not about me.
I am streching so painfully to see it (you).

You wear that cross like a crown. You wear that cross like a dagger.

i don't always know what to think about my faith. People seem to have so many ideas the whole thing gets messed up.

i don't know if i'm supposed to feel this way. some say this wouldn't happen if i really believed, but i can't control what my heart feels. i can't control how much it can take. and i don't want to think they are right.

i believe it. i swear i do, i believe it with every fiber in me. but what if this means i've got it wrong somewhere? how do i know? i can't have complete faith if there is the possibility i have it wrong.

i'm supposed to be alive in Christ but i certainly don't feel alive. i can't feel Him the way i want to. i want Him to be close. i need Him to be. and He is... according to what i believe. but i don't feel it. and that makes me question everything.

"everything, everything- is leaving me wondering. I hate that I'm questioning- your everything, everything."

and if i question does that cancel out what i do belive? i'm not saying i don't believe in something i should, i just can't feel it. maybe that is faith. but what about the questions? i don't know how this works. i just know i need to feel something. I need to feel Him.

Plenty strong and plenty wrong

I've been wanting to write about hope. but every time I try the word seems to loose all meaning. it sounds empty. it sounds far. I don't want it to sound that way, so I stayed up late just writing about it, thinking that maybe if I tried long enough it would start to make sense.

Now is a strange time for me to choose, seeing as how I'm in a place where the word "hope" almost makes me angry. Honesty seems like a bad idea. and truth is doing a good job at hiding in these lies that are spinning around me. I seem to find myself here much too often. I have this "stuff" and I don't know what to do with it. It's like the heat from those two burning bridges is always reminding me of them, that maybe I wasn't ready to let go.

It may sound strange, but I say hope is still real. it's still there.

My friend Josh has a song he sings called "I Know You're Not Alone". I've been stuck on that song and the title. I've been thinking about what it means. for me. for you. Maybe it means exactly what it seems to say, and maybe that is bigger than anything that could come between us and "hope". bigger than everything mentioned in the above paragraphs.

I say it does and it is.

I say that song is more powerful than we know. and that the brilliant statement that is the song's title changes everything.

Maybe I'm crazy for believing in this, but I'm convinced it's the only way. I think we need to be reminded of this a lot. Sometimes the running and the burning of bridges can make us feel like we're on our own and we can't go back without looking stupid. "I told you so", can be the hardest thing to face. We don't like to be wrong. "I Know You're Not Alone". And suddenly it's okay, sometimes all it takes is someone to make us stop running. Someone to look back at the burning bridges and cry with us. "Maybe that one wasn't supposed to go". And here we are again. but it's okay. It's okay.

"I Know You're Not Alone".







P.S. Give Josh a listen, he can sing and write music very well. Let's give him some more plays. and a hug. and possibly a thank you. He will appreciate it.

www.myspace.com/joshuamoore

but at least it's something.

I talk about love, only to realize I have no idea what it means. I talk about community (and believe in it), only to want to be left alone. I talk about hope, only to open my eyes and realize this place is sometimes void of it.

But there is something in the hopelessness. Something safe (yet so unsafe). I think it is the closest we get to death without actually dying. Maybe that’s what it is, we know we won’t feel anything else after we die. So we think that if the hopelessness lasts long enough, it will remove those feelings altogether. But is it worth losing out hearts? Is it worth letting them become so hard that we no longer feel?

I can't seem to make these words mean something. I thought about why I keep this going (the blogs), I’ve never been one to share what I’m feeling. Especially when I can’t get words to do what I want them to. I have these ideas in my head that won’t translate onto paper, or a computer screen, no matter how hard I try to make them.

And there are these things I don’t know what to do with. My mind says to stay here where it is “safe” (here we are again), while my heart simply can not take this place anymore. It is conflict and contrast, but at least it’s something. Perhaps in wasn’t my heart that sank to the ocean floor as I thought. A fraction, maybe… but not what I thought.

So I sit here, in this celebration of two months of freedom, finding out my heart has not been where I thought it was. And although I am confused and still have a long way to go, I will try to let go and enjoy this moment. Because a part of me is two months old (today). And that…

is worth fighting for. Even through the pain and lies and hard hearts. I am aware that this feeling will pass and be replaced with uncertainty (and the lies will get more believable), I know this. But I also know that will pass. And so the cycle will continue, trying to break us down and steal our hearts from us.

It’s days like today that make it seem possible to fight… that make it seem worth fighting for.



….So I am off to celebrate. Even if the people around me don’t know what exactly we’re celebrating.

And They Faced Each Other

Supposedly there is a beauty in brokenness.


There is no beauty in this. I can see it in them. I can see it in her when she tells me to look up. It is everywhere yet I can't find it in this, only remnants of a sticky mess.


For the life of me, I can't figure out what you see. It can't be the truth. I can't possibly be that.



I tried to let go, but now it feels as though my heart followed to the bottom of the ocean. It feels I've given up more than I meant to. But I still remember. I kept what you said. every word. I can't forget them, I used them too many times.

And my body, oh, it took all the beatings I could never give you.

I stretched myself as far as I could and you pushed the rest of the way. I simply can't be where you want me to be. I wish I could, with every ounce of me I wish I could.


But I chose to recover my heart (without digging up the rest). And maybe I can learn something along the way. about me. or about you. I never learned to do this. But perhaps I will find it.









and leave the hurt for good.

so unsure

tonight i had to laugh (even though i felt sad), at all the crazy. thoughts. spinning. in my head. and the heaviness in my heart.

i found it funny (with my mind on overdrive), that i could not make out a single thought that was tearing. through my head. like a hurricane.

where is this harbor you speak of? i feel as if i've been wandering (fighting) through these storms and still can't find it (you). but tonight i passed a few others that seemed to be on the same course. and when i asked them how they were so sure of there course... i froze at the response.

"the stars", they said.

and i knew there was some hope for this.

and then my mind started back. with the spinning. and confusion (and hurt) set in. again.
but i laughed. when i could have cried. because my eyes are dry and i'm not ready to be breaking again.
like my fist was not ready to be angry just yet. if only my fist flying into the wall could distract my heart for a moment. if only a hard enough punch could shake this off.

but who am i kidding?

i never learned to do this.

how unfair! i say. my heart and head have no switch to turn them on and off. at your every whim.

the heaviness that i feel makes it hard. and somewhere along the lines i somehow fell. and now it's done. it's over. no more tangled hands. just my tangled heart.

and the question.

is it worth it.


is it.

worth.

this?


yes. (but i'd rather say no.)